What can Nelson Mandela teach us about relationships?
I was really struck by this quote from Richard Stengel’s biography of Nelson Mandela:
“Some call it a blind spot, others naïveté, but Mandela sees almost everyone as virtuous until proven otherwise. He starts with an assumption you are dealing with him in good faith. He believes that, just as pretending to be brave can lead to acts of real bravery, seeing the good in other people improves the chances that they will reveal their better selves.”
Wow! Nelson Mandela was able to assume goodwill even toward his captors—in the face of being imprisoned for 27 years.
And I sometimes have a hard time assuming goodwill in my beloved wife of 43 years!
The Rule of Engagement #7 from our relationship book, The Heart of the Fight, is:
Assume goodwill
This is the most difficult of the seven skills of engagement—for me (Bob) and most of us.
So often we assume ill will from others.
Darn, he’s just doing that to thwart me
She wants to hurt me
He’s out to get me
They’re against me
They just hate me
They are just using me
They don’t care about me
It’s all about them
Thoughts like these are automatic. Sometimes we may not even have words for the feelings or just have visions of angry faces. At other times we actually envision problems that don’t really exist.
Origins of Ill Will
Already Always Listening
We often have what Werner Erhard calls, Already always listening. We have unconscious mistaken beliefs about ourselves and the world stemming from our upbringing, family, and societal programming. Think of beliefs like people are out to get me…the world is a hostile place… people are out for themselves and don’t care about me… it’s a dog-eat-dog world…We filter everything thorough this lens. We expect people to act that way, and then we behave accordingly toward them. We can do all of this without any evidence whatsoever by distorting how we see their actions through our filter.
We actually invite bad behavior from others through our already always listening based on mistaken beliefs, our filters, and our unconscious expectations.
By assuming ill will, we actually are more likely to create it.
Hepped Up, Supercharged, and Loaded for Bear—
Killing off Goodwill
Think about the times you are really triggered, angry, upset. You are supercharged. You know the feeling—you go from 0 to 60 in a second and your heart is racing; you can’t think straight. It’s like an electrical charge is running through you and you are loaded for bear. Some of you may freeze in that state. Your heart rate is over 100 beats a minute, and it’s not because you’re working out!
We are hepped up, and goodwill is, at best, a distant memory. We are in a state scientists call High Physiological Arousal. Our thinking is reactive. When we are really triggered, our perceptions get distorted. We don’t see the world and others as they are.
We miss at least 50% of the positives and good, we paint neutral things as negative, we perceive negativity that isn’t there—and we assume ill will.
It helps to understand we aren’t dealing with a full deck when we are in these states, and our perceptions are not trustworthy.
It’s not that the other person is out to get us; it’s that we can’t see straight until we down regulate and bring our higher-level thinking and awareness online.
Tit for Tat: You meant to hurt me, so I hurt you back.
Let’s look inside to understand the internal developmental challenge of operating from goodwill. We still have our internal two-year-old desire to hit back when we are hurt and angry. We respond primitively, “You hurt me, so I hurt you.”
We need to learn to take full responsibility for our hurt. It usually stems from something we imagine, such as you are opposing me to hurt me. So, we are off to the races unless we can remember to take a breath, step beyond our limiting beliefs of a world that wants to hurt us, and choose to live in a world that wants the best for us.
That’s when we most need to be reminded to assume goodwill, and not just assume they are trying to stop us, thwart us, or control us.
And when we do assume goodwill, we speak differently. We are more likely to respond with a question of genuine interest, or simply ask, “What did you intend?”
At dinner, Judith asked me to move my backpack from the table and put it on the chair next to me so we could be free of distraction. Now, I consider this an irrelevant task, in the first place. Unconsciously, I already assume controlling ill will on her part. Next, I comply and bang my funny bone on the back of the chair next to me. I immediately gave Judith the evil eye of blame. I am about to take it further when my observing ego kicked in, and I softened. That allowed me to remember she did not do it to hurt me. In fact, she did nothing wrong. I could have refused and said I did not want to, which was probably the truth. Regardless, remembering goodwill, I am able to think responsibly and recognize my getting hurt had nothing to do with her request. I had failed to be fully present. This allowed me to joke and we laughed as I made up a new rule of disengagement, “If I get hurt doing something you ask me to do, it is your fault. You made me careless.”
From Ill Will to Goodwill (a story)
We coached a couple who were pretty deeply in love, but kept getting caught in feeling hurt by one another and assuming the worst of each other. She had an already always listening that her husband was only interested in her physically and just wanted to use her. She was hurt because she wanted to be accepted and loved for all of her.
Because of this, when he approached her, she responded with distance. He felt hurt when she showed no welcome or affection. He felt rejected. His already always listening was that she only wanted him for his money and didn’t care for him.
Each of them had come to assume that the other only wanted one thing from them and that they didn’t love or care about one another fully and completely.
And it wasn’t true at all.
They actually loved each other very much and really wanted the best for each other. They were both feeling so hurt that they became entrenched in heated arguments that never resolved. They didn’t realize, remember, or hold in their hearts that each was the other’s best friend.
He thought that she was rejecting him; she assumed that he was taking advantage of her. The more they each assumed ill will, the quicker their fights would flare, with no resolution in sight.
When they started to work with this rule to assume goodwill, she started to consider, maybe my husband does love me and cares about me more than just physically.
He started to think, well maybe she doesn’t understand that I really do care about her as a person, and I need to feel loved and affirmed myself.
Underneath it all, they cared very deeply for each other, but it was hidden under their hurt, anger, and ill will.
When they started to share more intimately about what it is they really yearned for, what they cared about, what they needed from one another, they could once again see that they actually did have goodwill for one another. They stopped getting into their repetitive tussle about having ill will and thinking the other one didn’t love them or really didn’t want to please them.
What Can Tina Turner Teach Us About Relationships?
Tina Turner says, “Love grows when you trust. When we trust, love heals and renews. Love makes us feel safe and makes us closer to God.”
Sounds to me like a glowing endorsement for assuming goodwill!
Imagine a life where you are increasingly satisfied and connected to the people you care about most, rather than suspicious of their motives or intentions. This is the power of assuming goodwill.
As Nelson Mandela said, assuming goodwill brings out the best in others. It also brings out the best in ourselves. If we expect the best from others, they often rise to our expectations. It also helps us to change our negative perspectives on the world and develop new empowering beliefs such as the world is a supportive place…people want what’s best for me…there is goodness in everyone.
As Judith says, assuming goodwill helps us navigate the troubled waters of everyday misunderstandings as we grow to trust and understand each other.
Steps to Assuming Goodwill
Assuming goodwill takes practice and intent. Practice these steps to live with more goodwill:
- When arousal isn’t a turnon–Name it to Tame it
Be aware of when you are in a high physiological arousal state. Know that your perceptions are distorted in that state, and you are seeing the world through with a jaundiced view and likely to assume ill will when it’s not warranted. Realize that you are upset and label your feelings. Research shows it helps to Name it to Tame it. Say your feelings out loud— I’m triggered. I’m really angry/upset/scared. When you name the feeling you are having, it starts to calm your emotional reaction (your amygdala) and brings your higher-level thinking on board. You can then see the person and situation more realistically and deal with them more appropriately. - Identify Your Already Always Listening
Do you expect the worst from people? Assume people don’t have your best interest at heart? Convinced that people are out to get you or take advantage of you? Recognize your filters and your predisposition to interpret others’ motives negatively. Catch your skepticism and distrust.
Look for other ways to interpret a situation. What if they are just having a bad day or are having a hard time and it’s not all about you? - Look for the good in others
We’re so used to looking for the bad stuff, for evidence that ‘someone done us wrong’, that we miss the good in others. Remember the good in your relationships and why you got into relationship in the first place. This is someone you care about, your friend, your partner, a fellow human being. Look for evidence of caring and goodwill in them. We find what we look for so look for the positive in your relationships–and acknowledge it. - Cultivate an attitude of goodwill and become a goodwill ambassador
The dictionary defines goodwill as: when you wish that good things happen to people; friendly and helpful feelings; when you wish someone well; when you feel friendly or compassionate; a kindly feeling of approval and support; benevolent interest or concern. Practice wishing the best for others as often as you can. Show interest. Be supportive. Be friendly, helpful, compassionate. Build the muscle of goodwill. Experience how good it feels and see how positively people react to your goodwill.
There is more goodwill in the world than we think. Even if someone doesn’t have goodwill toward us, if we treat them as if they do, they often respond to that goodness. Assuming goodwill brings out the best in ourselves and in those we relate to. Assume goodwill, attract more goodwill to yourself, and give more goodwill back out into the world!
Remember, to treat yourself with goodwill, too! We’d love to hear about your experiences in assuming goodwill, so share your thoughts and results with us.
Live Wright and Assume Goodwill,
Dr. Bob and Dr. Judith