Most people―including many professionals―don’t know how to fight, ―or don’t fight enough, or at all! They tend to teach conflict resolution rather than conflict completion. Contrary to conventional wisdom, conflict can be a couple’s secret weapon for coming closer, not a sign they’re coming apart―at least when couples know why they fight, how to fight, and what to fight for.
These battles can be used to develop us and help us reach high levels of intimacy and trust based on an ever-deepening love. This requires full engagement, including conflict, confrontation, and verbal combat. It also requires following certain rules of engagement.
Most people bicker and battle without knowing the rules of engagement that will help them know what is going inside of themselves. They just want the fight to be over, or to win the fight, or to make it go away. Most relationship books and much marital and relationship advice are designed to limit conflict, full of misguided attempts to restore the lovey-dovey honeymoon phase. They attempt to avoid fights and at best to develop teamwork rather than embracing the opportunity for learning and growth in the fights.
Do you want a relationship that stands the test of time? that brings you closer rather than further apart? You might need to consider how you feel about fighting.
– Judith.
