How recently have you been in a battle of wills with a toddler or a teenager (heck, even an adult)?
In this “no” mode, their intention is to resist you, go against what you want, and to assert themselves in their attempt to have some power.
It’s not just toddlers and teens—this resides in all of us. When we don’t know how to express our desires directly and get what we want, the best we can do is to say “no.” We resist what others want. We thwart their will in an attempt to feel more powerful.
Intention is the principle at Level 3 of Wright Developmental Model – aliveness with direction
Toddlers and teenagers are each working toward becoming their own people, a new level of differentiating themselves from their environment. This is no longer a passive, people-pleasing “Yes, sure, anything you say.” It’s more of a reactive “No, and you can’t make me!” They are working on pushing the boundaries of what is allowable so they can understand how they fit in the world. It strengthens their positive intention to get things they want. It’s also a new level of self expression, by opposing others.
If we could each tap such levels of intention toward what we truly desire, the world would be much more directionally alive! Remember, aliveness in relationship is play or engagement, and aliveness at these levels of development leads to either intention to resist, a limited aliveness, or intention to have, generate, or create—aliveness in expression of desire.
From “No, That Won’t Work for Me” to “Here’s What Will Work for Me”
I (Elizabeth) intended to make a specialist appointment for my daughter as soon as possible. I was astounded at how much intention it took to get that seemingly mundane activity complete. First there were several phone calls to make sure her insurance coverage and health plan was straightened out, then several phone calls and an in-person visit to her pediatrician to get the referral paperwork accurate. Then several phone calls to different specialists in the area—and the first two specialist offices wouldn’t fit us in for another three months. I nearly gave up and had resigned myself to wait. But I called the last in-network provider, intending to be seen sooner. Lo and behold, the final provider had had a cancellation, and we snagged an appointment for five days later. Success!
Practices to hone your intention:
- Learn from reactive tantrums. Pay attention to when you (or others around you) have an immediate recoil response—ew, yuck, no way. There’s great data in that response! It’s ok—and appropriate and healthy—to realize that you don’t want something.
- Look for what you do Take that “no” energy and examine what’s underneath. Can you find an unmet hunger? A yearning to be acknowledged, respected, appreciated, heard, understood? Yes, definitely name your preferred outcome—and the yearning underneath.
- Express those things you want—and go get them. Rather than thwarting another’s will for the sake of being contrary or petty, have the courage to stand up for and get what you do And be creative about how to go about it! More next week…
LiveWright and Live Intentionally,
Dr. Bob & Dr. Judith