“Who, me?” you ask.
Yes, you. And me too, for that matter!
We’re all guilty of lying—whether it is a little white lie, withholding information, fudging the truth, or outright deceit or bald-faced lies. In fact, studies show that 100% of dating couples lie—that means all of us. We may be trying to impress, or be liked, or show ourselves in a good light. Yet, we then are trying to build a relationship based on untruths and lies.
How often, when someone tells us something true about ourselves that we don’t like or don’t want to hear, do we defend, deny, discredit the speaker, close off, or even counterattack? We don’t like the message, so we kill, ignore, or invalidate the messenger. This is where fights take off and don’t get resolved.
Lack of truth, not telling the truth, and not acknowledging it, kills relationships.
How can we have intimacy and understanding if we are not traveling the path of truth?
This is why Rule of Engagement #5 from The Heart of the Fight is critical:
Express and Acknowledge the Truth, Always
But being totally truthful, vulnerable, and open isn’t easy—and acknowledging tough truths about ourselves isn’t any picnic, either. But, when we are truthful and can acknowledge the truth from others, the depth of intimacy and closeness we can experience can range from thrilling, to maddening, to amazing—and no-matter-what, deeply satisfying.
But first, let’s examine Why we lie and Why we reject the truth when it comes from others.
Why we lie:
For starters, we want to be seen in a better light, or we don’t want to deal with the consequences, or we hide aspects of ourselves that we aren’t at peace with.
We are invested in what Freud called our ego ideal. When people don’t see us the way we want to be seen and they see aspects of us that are outside that narrow, accepted zone, it hurts. In Freudian terms, it is called an ego insult. It hurts because it touches parts of ourselves that we reject. Maybe your partner pointed out something about you and you are immediately infuriated. But what is really going on is that you are hurt, or afraid underneath and you react with anger.
The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off. –Gloria Steinem
Why We Reject the Truth:
I remember the first time Bob told me I was mean. I was so angry, I railed and defended myself and stalked off, fuming. How dare he say that about me? I’m nice….
But what had really happened? I had been mean. I had said cutting remarks to him. But I didn’t want to admit to myself that I could be mean. That was a part of my denied or hidden self.
I prided myself on being understanding, nice, compassionate—my ego ideal. Being mean was a huge threat to my accepted sense of self. I had rejected the mean part of myself because it did not fit with my picture of myself. It was really painful to begin to understand that I was mean. Mean was what others did to me. I couldn’t be like them. And it was great growth for me to come to peace with the part of me that was mean, to realize what I was really feeling deep inside, how hurt and angry I was. I learned to express that truth more responsibly rather than unconsciously dumping my feelings in a hurtful way and then denying it or fighting the truth. I have been growing in genuine self-acceptance as I face these things and we grow closer each time I do.
To thine own self be true
–Shakespeare
Being Fully Ourselves–Vulnerable, Open, and Honest
This means being willing to be our whole selves with others, to learn and grow—to be transparent, genuine, authentic, vulnerable. And to start to believe that we are loveable and deserving as we are. That we can let others see our whole selves with vulnerability.
If we believed people were resilient and we were OK, we would tell and acknowledge the truth more. We often believe consciously or unconsciously: If I say that, he won’t like/love/or respect me… If I do that, I won’t be loved… If she knew this about me, she’d leave…They’ll have a fit, so I don’t want to tell them…
Yet, true intimacy and connection requires that we don’t hold back, that we share our feelings and thoughts–and learn to deal with others’ reactions as we learn to accept ourselves more fully.
Here’s some tips to help you live Rule #5: Express and Acknowledge the Truth, Always:
1. Want to stop a fight dead in its tracks? Acknowledge the truth of what the other person is saying, rather than defending and having rebuttal. That doesn’t mean that you can’t express your truth, but you will need to step back and own your responsibility, experience, and choices.
Here’s your script – Practice saying:
- Good point
- You’re right.
- I don’t want to give you satisfaction right now, but you’re right/you’ve got a point.
- You piss me off, but there’s truth to what you’re saying.
- I see your point.
- I don’t like it, but you’re right.
- Got it.
2. Work toward having no secrets
Bob and I have a No secrets agreement. We don’t keep secrets from each other—big or small.
Do I want to tell him how much those shoes really cost? No way. But then I look to see why I don’t want to tell him—am I afraid of his reaction? Mad at myself for going over budget? Embarrassed that I indulged? Not feeling deserving? Then I share that, too.
It’s even harder to share the bigger truths about feelings and thoughts that I judge to be mean, hurtful, or that will upset him or truths that show me in a bad light or ‘break the rules’ of how you’re supposed to be. But I then look to see why I don’t want to tell him–and tell him that too.
Sharing these truths create trust and intimacy. The closest moments we have are when we share these truths with each other.
You don’t have to start with no secrets. Start by being aware of why you don’t want to tell the truth. What are you afraid of?
Work toward having fewer secrets and more truth.
3. Be aware: What truths have you withheld?
You don’t have to reveal everything all at once, but become more aware of what truths you are not sharing. Notice the thoughts and opinions that you don’t express–and with whom. Keep a list–and pick a small truth to share to begin with.
Learning to be more truthful is a journey. Start to experiment with a small step and, over time, build up to sharing bigger truths.
4. Be aware: What feelings have you not expressed?
It’s not just our thoughts and opinions we don’t share. We often don’t share what we are really feeling with others. Start to be more aware of when you are afraid, hurt, angry, sad, or even joyous. Make a list of feelings you haven’t expressed and to whom. Pick someone from the list and let them know how you truly feel.
5. Take some risks expressing truths
Start to take some risks in expressing more of what you feel with others. The vision is to keep moving in the direction of being clear and current with others, with nothing left unsaid.
Bob had worked over the years to tell his dad everything–to be current and up to date with him, with nothing unexpressed. Everything EXCEPT that he was afraid of him, until the night of our pre-wedding rehearsal dinner. It followed a very loud threatening fight between them. The fight ended in tears of relief and much deeper love.
The journey to more truthful living and loving is a powerful one.
Take steps toward more truth. Share more of your thoughts and feelings. Ride the waves of truth and increasingly take bigger risks as you build more capacity over time. You will discover that:
The truth shall set you free.
We hope you experience not only the challenge, but also the fascinating adventure of truth expressed by the humanistic psychologist, Will Schutz (author of The Truth Option):
“To be truthful and honest is a fascinating adventure. I find it a task of extraordinary difficulty. A lifetime of learning not to speak truth, combined with a real difficulty in knowing what, in fact, is true of me, makes living the truth a formidable challenge. The rewards are remarkable. I find I must relearn over and over again how really effective truthful living is. But virtually every time I am honest with myself and others, I end up feeling exhilarated; some of the body tensions that keep me from being fully open let go, and I feel a little freer and lighter, and breathe a little deeper.”
–Will Schutz, Elements of Encounter
May we all take some steps in becoming more truthful. Share your discoveries with us–we’d love to hear from you.
LiveWright and In Truth.
