We’ve been talking about responsibility as the sixth transformational principle. Sounds big—but what might it look like from moment to moment?

Many people have written theories and practices of how to be responsible for the quality and the outcomes of your life. Being responsible for your life is both a here-and-now exercise—and a willingness to look at your unconscious patterns over time to take increasing responsibility. Increasing your level of responsibility in thought, action, and impact is an ongoing practice, not a static state.

When you think about responsibility, maybe you think of tasks or actions (“it’s my responsibility to go to work”), or of impact on others (“take responsibility for your mistakes”). It’s all this—and more. Taking responsibility means that I am claiming ownership of how my life has gone up to this point. Regardless of what circumstances I was born into, it has been up to me to choose my response.

This principle is on the level of society, which can be both inspiring and daunting. So let’s take it at the level of the here-and-now—which, let’s be honest, is going to be the entry point for most of us.

If I act on an unkind impulse toward myself or others, responsibility could look like not only curbing that impulse, but also checking in on the impact that my action had. Even further, I could take responsibility for the thought, feeling, or impulse itself—and for the mistaken beliefs and unmet yearning underneath. Enter the Stinking Thinking Template, a tool to help me get in touch with myself and take responsibility on any level I’m ready for! I’ll walk you through my example, then it’s your turn!

Practice Responsibility for Your Thoughts and Actions:

• Identify your stinking thought (and associated feelings and urges). Ugh, why didn’t you pack the diaper bag for me in the thoughtful, conscientious, proactive the way I packed it for you yesterday? I felt hurt and angry, and I blamed him for not reading my mind!
• What’s a larger pattern you see? Historically, I have often neglected to ask for the things I want—and assumed ill will as a result. This comes from a long history of my own tendency of people pleasing and mind-reading.
• What mistaken beliefs are underneath? The belief that I don’t matter, or that I won’t be heard or understood even if I did ask for what I wanted.
• Identify your deeper yearning and how you could meet it. I yearned to matter, to connect, and to love and be loved! I used these yearnings to say what had happened and name my assumptions with my husband, who then was happy and eager to support me the way I had wanted.
• Orient to a more positive, generative thought. I can ask for what I want and get it!

LiveWright and Live Responsibly,
Elizabeth, Dr. Bob & Dr. Judith