Getting engaged?! No, not like that.
Aliveness in relationship leads to the next principle of the Wright Developmental Model: Play/Engagement.
We used to only call it “play,” but in recent years, we have added “engagement” because “play” causes many of us to imagine exclusively happy-fun-rainbow times. Deep engagement can certainly encompass joy and levity, but also includes being engaged in growthful conflict (which many of us do not see as altogether pleasant or preferred). While it’s true that many ways of engaging are not joyful, I’m making a case that deep engagement is critical to lasting satisfaction in relationships.
Play is aliveness in interaction. Engagement is aliveness in relationship.
We define play and engagement as a here-now interaction. These interactions cause us to grow, develop, and be nourished. Nourishment and growth are not always pleasant. When children play, they skin their knees; when we play, we get hurt as well as affirmed. Each hurt is an opportunity for us to reach further for affirmation, for us to identify wounds from our past and heal them, for us to open ourselves to the world in mutual vulnerability. It allows for enrichment, growth, and ultimate service to mankind and us.
In the way of being, when we seek to interact, we grow a little in wholeness. We pierce each other’s shells; we learn when to take off our armor and heal the wounds inflicted in the battle of life. We seek to learn to dance with life in a creative process that makes us a blessing to our world.
Think about the last time you had “parallel play” with someone else. Parallel play is when two or more children play next to each other without interacting. Have you ever sat next to someone at a coffee shop and scrolled through your phone? Read a book in a bookstore or library? Watched a show or a movie with others? These can seem like pleasant activities, sure. But ask yourself: how alive you? If you imagine breaking the silence, do you feel fear? Proximity doesn’t automatically mean deep engagement. Imagine how much more alive (and possibly uncomfortable?!) you might feel if you were doing something more engaging: talking about what really matters to you, sharing and expressing feelings, or even saying a judgment you have been withholding.
This involves taking risks, yes, and you might get embarrassed and have your ego hurt. At worst, you feel self-conscious, but the benefit of the potential benefits are more than worth it—we are claiming more aliveness in the engagement. The tingle on your skin, the twinkle of your eye, and the catch in your throat are all results of being more alive as we relate to others, we are engaging more deeply and are nourished as a result.
Risk reflection and chance aliveness.
In the coming week, be the greeter everywhere. If you are in lines for coffee, elevators, etc., give warm greetings and ask people something meaningful—risk them looking askance. Alternatively, send greeting emails or texts at least once a day—see how you feel sending and how you feel with responses.
I (Bob) just reached out to someone I have not seen in over 39 years. I was their right-hand person organizing the 7th International Human Unity Conference in 1980 with him and his wife. His delight at hearing from me was heartwarming, and I know we are both eagerly looking forward to our upcoming reunion.
Thinking of someone? Reach out—they are waiting to hear from you! And when you connect, go beyond pleasantries toward deeper engagement.
LiveWright and Live Engaged,
Dr. Bob & Dr. Judith