Can’t get no satisfaction? Want to be happier and more satisfied? Then you need to learn the Rule of Engagement #4 from The Heart of the Fight:
Everyone is 100% responsible for their own satisfaction and happiness.
Don’t look to others to satisfy you or make you happy. It’s not your partner’s job to make you happy, nor is it your bosses’, friends’, family’s, society’s, the government’s, Fairy Godmother’s, Superman’s…job to make you happy.
It’s your job to make you happy and satisfied. It’s 100% your responsibility.
That means: Don’t stop, don’t give up or give in until you are satisfied.
It means stop blaming others and get out of the drama triangle.
It means stop waiting to be happy until you get the new job, mercury isn’t in retrograde, you lose weight, you find a life partner, political party leadership changes, or your significant other reads your mind and does exactly what you want.
This means that you take 100% responsibility to be satisfied and to be happy now.
Here’s the deal. Research shows that you have a set point for happiness–a baseline/fixed level of happiness. It doesn’t matter who you pick or what you want, you are going to return to the same level of happiness if you do not learn this lesson.
Let’s look at how this happens in relationships.
Our world, friends, schools, and media surround us with the message that the secret to happiness is to fall in love and live happily ever after.
And if we fall in love, that seems to happen for a while. We are blissful, hopeful, floating on air…we’re in love! We’re happy! Everything is coming up roses.
But…it doesn’t last.
Research shows that if we stay in that relationship, after about 18 months, we fall right back into the same level of happiness we had before we got into a relationship.
And now we’re often disillusioned, upset, frustrated. We’re sure it’s our partner’s fault. They aren’t making us happy! We fight, we’re frustrated, feel deceived, and think it must be our partner’s doing (or not doing). They aren’t doing everything we want them to do or being the ways we want them to be, and we “know” if they would just change, then we’d be happy. But, even if they do what we want, it doesn’t lead to happiness because….
We’ve returned to our set point of happiness. We get a temporary boost of happiness with a new relationship (the same thing happens with a new job). Remember, the word, temporary.
That means it doesn’t last, and we are back to our set point. And who can influence that set point, that level of happiness? Well, it ain’t Aunt Martha.
If you are not happy, if you are not satisfied, it’s your job to get satisfied. That doesn’t mean that everything works out exactly as you want it. It means you do what you can to get satisfied. You stop waiting for them to change and you take charge to engage.
Remember the lyrics from another Rolling Stones song, “but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.” In our parlance—get what you deeply yearn for–which is way more important than what you may want on the surface.
How do we do that?
Step 1 – Realize that you’ve been blaming others and holding them responsible for your unhappiness and dissatisfaction. You’ve been waiting for them to change, rather than changing yourself.
I just returned from a manicure where the manicurist spoke about her relationship. She has been married over 20 years and is frustrated and unhappy in her relationship. Blaming it on her hormones since she is now in menopause, she says she doesn’t have the patience she used to have to deal with her husband. She’s cranky and no longer willing to tolerate what she used to put up with.
She complained that he withholds, doesn’t engage when there is a conflict or when she expresses her upset or gives him feedback, and he ‘sticks his head in the sand’. She suspects that he is embarrassed by what she is bringing up and then hides or backs away from the conversation.
But then as she talked, she started to take more responsibility. She admitted how she had given in and accommodated him most of her life. She never set a limit or gave him feedback about what she wanted or needed. Her in-laws lived with them for years, much to her dismay, and she never demanded that things be different. As she talked, she admitted that she was responsible for the situation since she had acquiesced, accommodated, and set up the pattern. She couldn’t just blame her husband or in-laws for the situation and her unhappiness.
I asked her if she had told him all of this. She admitted that she really hadn’t. She said she just had gotten exasperated, rolled her eyes, and judged him.
She had begun Step 1 and was moving into Step 2:
Step 2–What can you do to change the situations where you are unhappy or dissatisfied?
Here’s an example:
Every day, Joe would come home, and his wife would be in front of the television. First thing he would say was, “no wonder you are getting fat”. The fight would accelerate from there as he’d complain about her not being available, not being loving, and making him unhappy. He started to realize he was waiting for her to change for him to be happy. He began learning about his deeper yearning for contact and to be affirmed. The first time he came home happy, yearning for contact, he snuggled onto the couch next to her. Over time, coming home happy led to him getting all the love he ever wanted. He was no longer waiting for her to make him happy. He became more attractive and received much more from her.
Be aware of what you yearn for underneath your dissatisfaction–and fulfill that yearning.
Maybe you can’t stand that he doesn’t hang up his clothes and you think if he just did that, you’d be happy. But maybe it’s really about yearning to be heard, respected, and thought about. So even if he hung up his clothes but did it with a disgusted huff, you still wouldn’t be satisfied. What really matters is that you want him to respect you, care about you and/or to understand why it bothers you. So, express that. Rather than just rag on him, pout, yell, or give him the silent treatment or cold shoulder–which won’t lead to happiness and satisfaction–look for what will make a difference.
Step 3–Do it. Once you see what you can do differently, do it!
Express your feelings, ask for what you need and want directly, take responsibility to get satisfied. Do something different to get a different result.
Step 4–Keep doing it–or keep trying different things until you are satisfied.
Remember it’s a campaign, not just one battle. It may take years for you to get across what you are fighting for. Consistency in going for your satisfaction is what matters. Bob’s four-year battle for slippers by the back door finally led to a win when he said what it symbolized, and I understood his yearning. (Another time for the rest of the story)
The point is, if you want continued dissatisfaction, expect immediate success. Be intentional about being satisfied and be willing to keep at it. Don’t get discouraged. Each time you do something in the service of your happiness or satisfaction, you gain more of a sense of control in your life, build more self-respect, and experience more agency. Realize that there is always something you can do to be more satisfied–even if it’s just to change your attitude.
This week, Get Satisfied! Don’t give up until you are satisfied. You can pick something small to practice on, like getting your meal the way you want at a restaurant or negotiating a deadline or …but do what you can do to get satisfied. Keep at it until something shifts. It may not be exactly what you wanted, but if you own your happiness with intention, you will roll with the punches and follow your yearning to new possibilities of fulfillment.
Celebrate each step you take toward more satisfaction. We’d love to know what you learn and experience, so share your thoughts and results with us.
LiveWright and Be Satisfied.