You did it! No, you did it! I did not. You did it!
You always do this.
You never listen.
You’re just like your mother.
You spend more time with your golf buddies than you do with me.
What?!? You spent my hard-earned money on what????!!!!
We’ve all been there—those unproductive fights with our partner, friend, or boss that go around in circles. Complaining, blaming, slinging insults, yelling, giving the cold shoulder, stomping out of the room… It’s easy to fall into the trap of fighting against the other person or their ideas. But does this ever really resolve things or get us what we want? Usually not.
Avoiding conflict isn’t the answer either. Just because you don’t openly engage in this kind of interaction doesn’t mean that the conflict isn’t there. Sweeping it under the rug just leads to tripping over it later on after it has built up.
But do we resolve things?
Do we get what we want?
Most of the time, the answer is, No.
We fight against our partner/friend/boss, or fight against their idea/point of view/words—resisting, defending, attacking, whether with eye rolls of condescension, stalking off, a verbal dressing down, stonewalling,…the list goes on.
We fight against their idea; we fight against them…but we are not fighting FOR what we need or want.
This is why we need Rule of Engagement #6 from The Heart of the Fight: Fight FOR, Not Against!
Think about it–
Do you complain—or do you get satisfied?
Do you attack (fight against)—or do you fight for what you want?
Your Significant Other calls you out on something, and you respond, “Oh yeah! Well, you did xyzzy” in rebuttal.
And we’re off to the races, but nobody wins the race.
Do you tend to counter-attack? Do you always have a defense?
Well, don’t you think it is time to get satisfied, rather than get even?
Why do we so quickly resort to fighting against others or their ideas, rather than fighting for what we want?
It takes more skill to fight for something than to fight against someone. It’s easier to fight against than fight for something. Dissatisfactions and excuses are much easier to resurrect and require much less skill than fighting for something.
As kids, when somebody hurt us, we hit back. But as adults, we’ve been socialized that we can’t do that, so we use emotional defenses or verbal counterattacks.
Over time, we build an armory of complaints, defenses, rationalizations, and justifications. Our ‘weapons’ sit ready for us to blast out in blame or defense when we are hurt, mad, or unhappy or someone is unhappy or mad at us.
We may be poster children for responsibility at work, but the moment we get ticked or hurt, watch out! We can instantaneously unearth and throw rotting, stinky bundles of complaints that have been lurking in our unconscious mind.
“Fighting For” Is Rarely One and Done. It is a series of engagements, or battles—a campaign.
We can’t tell you how many times we encourage someone we are coaching to fight for what they want (when they are dissatisfied) and they say, “I asked for it and I even fought for it, and she didn’t give it to me.”
Can you relate? How many times have you said or thought, “I tried that, and it didn’t work.”
Would you expect to hit a home run in a Major League Baseball park when you’ve never even hit one in Little League? Perhaps you think you are ready to lead a major corporation when you haven’t even earned your first million dollars. The skills in fighting for what you desire require development.
They are much easier to develop when we have practiced the first five rules of engagement:
(1) Accentuate the positive,
(2) Minimize the negative,
(3) Never givie more than 50% of the blame,
(4) Take 100% responsibility for our own satisfaction, and
(5) Agree with the truth always.
We are never finished developing any of these skills, but by aiming at them and practicing them, we gain in skill and satisfaction.
The Slipper Campaign
I’m embarrassed to admit that it took four years of Bob fighting for having his slippers by the door for me to finally make sure that happened. I didn’t get the big deal and judged it as petty. We had a housekeeper who always put his slippers away and I was the one who supervised her, and I didn’t make sure she complied. It was only when Bob got to/shared what it meant to him—what he truly yearned for, not just what he wanted. He was fighting for being seen, valued, and cared about—not only about his slippers. But Bob didn’t quit until he had the result he wanted. And, once I knew what it meant to him, I wanted to please him–it gave me pleasure.
How to fight for what you want? Try Logical Consequences
The Garbage Fight
I had a bad habit of overfilling the garbage cans and Bob was the one who took them out to the curb–meaning it was a big mess every time he went to take the garbage out. Coffee grounds on the floor, banana peels spilling over…He complained, got mad at me, cajoled, but I didn’t change or when I did, it didn’t last. Finally, he threatened me that anything he had to pick off the floor would be found by me somewhere I would not want to find want to find it at a time when I least wanted to find it. I knew it wasn’t an idle threat, but a logical consequence so I ‘magically’ kept the garbage from overfilling from that moment on. In response/counter fight, I told him I was no longer going to nag him or kid him about the clothes he didn’t hang up that made a soft sculpture on the posts of our poster bed, and he would find those clothes someplace he didn’t want to find them. The clothes ‘magically’ found their way to the closet or laundry bin after that.
These consequences weren’t said in anger or punishment, but as a logical consequence we both agreed to make it more likely that each of us would change. We fought for what we wanted until we were satisfied.
This leads to a delightful development of the relationship becoming increasingly satisfying and fulfilling for each party to the point where couples delight in pleasing each other. And become better and better partners in many different spheres.
Just as Bob used a consequence in his fight and I used a consequence in my counter fight, you will develop new tools and skills if you can get over the defense, “I already asked for that.” Who are you kidding–you were just setting up the next level of justification for your ongoing complaints. Things don’t change with one request/statement.
Get over it; it’s hard work. But it’s so worth it.
Break the cycle of unproductive fights.
Go from being locked into never-ending fight cycles or burying the tension underneath for it only to spring up later, to becoming sparring partners who are fighting for things that matter—and becoming closer because of it. Imagine that your fights engender a spiral of mutual satisfaction, understanding each other, and increasingly learning to please one another in productive, yearning-driven ways.
Sounds great, right? But how do you get there?
Practice this skill the way you would gain any other habit: one instance at a time, at first step-by-step, then with increasing fluency. The next time you realize you’ve gone to your unconscious defensive or aggressive habit, acknowledge the truth of what just happened (Rule #5). Then consciously say to yourself that you are wanting to minimize that automatic behavior (Rule #2) …which may include taking appropriate levels of blame for what’s happening (Rule #3). Finally, positively move toward your yearnings (Rule #1) for increased satisfaction (Rule #4). Put that new cycle on repeat, and you’ll change the dynamic of your unproductive fights!
Be prepared to repeat yourself over and over with intent. Remember, we are all learning and growing when we follow the Rules of Engagement and change is not going to happen overnight. We each need to change and learn new ways of being, too.
This is where the foundation we built with the first five Rules of Engagement develops our resilience to hang in there and persist until we succeed or discover there are more meaningful, important yearnings to fulfill.
Give yourselves time and prepare to re-engage—over and over.
Do’s and Don’ts of fighting FOR, rather than against:
- DON’T: Do the same thing and expect different results. Remember, that’s the definition of insanity.
DO: Assess—Is what you are doing working? Are you satisfied? If not, try something else.Keep fighting for what you really desire. That doesn’t mean haranguing, nagging, complaining, having an angry fit, seducing, manipulating. It means responsibly going for what you want and keep trying different ways to achieve your aim. Remember what you are fighting for. And don’t quit until you are satisfied.
DON’T just fight for what you want. (And definitely don’t fight just to win the argument.)
DO Fight for what you yearning for, not just what you want.
You might win an argument and feel proud or relieved, but it doesn’t mean you got what you really yearned for or that your partner feels good about it. You may have been overpowering, or coercive, or the other party got tired of the fight and gave in, or fears you, or you seduced them. You may have out-smarted or out-argued someone. Or you may have proved that you were right and got that adrenaline rush of winning–but if you are not fighting FOR what you deeply yearn for, you may actually have lost.
You may win an argument, but lose the relationship. Remember.
Don’t fight just to win the argument.
Being smug and superior doesn’t keep you warm at night.
Make sure what you fight FOR is what really matters. Do you yearn for it or just want it? Go for the deeper warmth and fulfillment underneath, not the surface compliance.
I wanted Bob to hang up his clothes. He wanted me to stop overfilling the garbage cans and make sure his slippers were near the door. But is that really what we were fighting for? I yearned to know that I mattered, and that Bob cared about how I wanted things. He yearned for similar things—to be respected, cared about, understood.
We all yearn for the same kind of things underneath our dissatisfaction and fights: To matter, to love and be loved, to be understood, valued, affirmed, respected, to be cared about, to have influence.
We each had deeper yearnings underneath our requests. And that’s what we were fighting for, and it was only when we got to–and shared–what really mattered, that the game began to switch, and we each truly got what we yearned for.
Look beneath the surface of your fight. For what do you yearn? Remember what you yearn for and Fight FOR that! if you just fight for what you want, you might win the battle and lose the relationship.DON’T Expect someone to read your mind.
DO Ask for things.
That doesn’t mean complain or nag. It doesn’t mean someone is supposed to read your mind. Fighting for means you ask directly for what you want from others. If you don’t get what you ask for, ask the other party what it will take to get it.DON’T Give up.
DO Keep fighting for what you yearn for.
Remember, it’s a campaign, not a battle. Change takes repeated effort.DON’T punish.
DO use Logical consequences.
You might need coaching to come up with a game plan and options. Logical consequences are not punishment, but outcomes related to the transgression. If she is always late, leave on time. She has the consequence of getting there on her own without you. Experiment come up with mutually agreed upon consequences.
With commitment and practicing Rule #6 with the first five, you can transform your fights into opportunities for growth, healing, and unshakeable connection.
The choice is yours—get even or get satisfied.
The choice needs to be made over and over—be gentle but firm with yourself and each other—if you got this far, you can do it.
This week, fight for what you yearn for. Keep at it until you are satisfied. We’d love to hear what you learn and how you grow. Share your results–and your challenges–with us.
LiveWright and Fight For,
Dr. Judith and Dr. Bob
