It’s possible to have satisfying, fulfilling relationships at home and at work–if you follow the rules of engagement and become less of a jerk in your relationships.
In other words, let’s learn to live the Rule of Engagement #2 from The Heart of the Fight: Minimize the Negative.
No, that doesn’t mean you act like the negative stuff in your relationship isn’t so bad or coat it with positives. It means you notice what you’re doing that is destructive, harmful, and or hurtful in your relationships–the definition of being a jerk. This means we all have been jerks! Learn to catch yourself more often and opt for different and more productive interactions. That means be less of a jerk and be more responsible.
Catching your crap means that you will be negative less often–If you look beneath your jerky behavior. It means you mine the material under that nasty stuff to discover what you were really feeling, what you were yearning for, and decide how you can get your needs met more directly.
Let’s unpack that.
OK. You were a jerk.
Admit it.
That’s the first step.
Well, maybe you don’t think you were a jerk, but you:
- called your partner or someone else a nasty name
- called your partner or someone else a nasty name
- stomped out of a meeting or conversation
- rolled your eyes in disgust
- were sarcastic, used hostile humor, or made snarky comments
- were demeaning, rejecting, dismissive
- gave the silent treatment or were passive aggressive–the silent middle finger
- revealed their secret to someone else or gossiped behind their back
- were critical or contemptuous
- were defensive and counter-attacked
- acted smug and superior
- withheld, stonewalled, disengaged…
Research shows that these are some of the relationship nasties that damage relationships. We all do it. Something triggers you and you’re off. And often you feel justified. You don’t admit that you were out of line. You don’t recognize that you are in the negative waters of a relationship.
What to do when you’ve been your version of a jerk?
- First, admit it. To yourself and to the person you lashed at or ignored or treated this way.
Admit that you’ve been a jerk. Get that you’ve been hurtful, mean, and that you overreacted.
Don’t excuse, justify, or defend it, thinking: He deserved it…She did it first… It’s their fault. NO PASS ON THAT! It increases your jerkhood. It is like saying, “I deserve to be a jerk because you were”.
- Think: How could I have said it/handled it better?
Chances are you can see how you could have been more direct, or shared more vulnerably, or said how you were feeling rather than dumping.
- Look underneath your jerkiness. What were you feeling? Hurt, mad, afraid, sad?
Oftentimes our jerky behavior is an instant reflexive response triggered from deep feelings that we don’t know how to be with, and we lash out. Sometimes we unconsciously want the other person to hurt as badly as we do. Be aware of what you were feeling. See if you can find what triggered you. Chances are that something hit a wound, a tender place, or unfinished business from your past.
- What were you yearning for?
Any time we are that upset, and we lash out, that’s a signal that our deeper yearnings were not met. We don’t feel seen / heard / understood / loved / respected / affirmed / valued or like we matter. These are things we all yearn for, and it hurts when we don’t sense our needs are being met. But the nasties aren’t likely to get our yearnings fulfilled.
Name what you were yearning for, and you can explore the next step.
- Now, how could you meet that yearning? What could you do instead?
If you want to be heard/seen/valued/affirmed/understood/respected/loved, what can you do/say/share that would more likely create that result? How can you be more direct, vulnerable, or responsible?
- And, Do it!
Communicate with the person you were a jerk with/dumped your jerkiness on. Be responsible for the mess you made. Apologize. Don’t grovel. Don’t eat sh*t. Share what you were feeling and what you were yearning for underneath. Ask more directly about what you need and want. Make amends if warranted.
Remember, we all do/say negative things in our relationships. But being aware, we can minimize the negative. We can use our awareness to get underneath our negative behavior to the rich material underneath. Discover what we were feeling, what we yearn for, and then tend to those feelings and meet our yearnings to be fulfilled and satisfied.
This is what brings people closer. Getting to our underbelly and sharing from there.
Being intent on minimizing the negative helps us to know ourselves more deeply, leads us to identify our feelings, meet our yearnings, and connect more deeply with others.
Discover the true power of minimizing the negative this week. And let us know what you discover.
LiveWright and love well.