No, this newsletter is not endorsed by Klondike, but their advertising campaign for Klondike bars illustrates our next principle, Intention.
When you really want something,
what are you willing to do to get it?
Intention is aliveness with direction
(from Level 3 of the Wright Developmental Model)
I (Elizabeth) am amazed at my infant daughter’s exponentially expansive ability to express her intention. When she knows what she wants, she reaches for it—farther and higher every day! Now that she’s gained her object permanence, she can keep reaching for an object she fixes on—and keep looking for it for a few minutes after I’ve put it elsewhere.
By contrast, when she doesn’t want something, she communicates quite clearly—for instance, screeching and squirming while getting dressed, or pushing her smoothie cup away. Sometimes they can even be combined! In the example below, it’s not only about not wanting to fall down, but about definitely wanting to stay standing, and even take a step in a direction!
It’s the times when her communication isn’t clear to me yet that I have the most trouble understanding and fulfilling her wants and needs.
If she starts wailing, I start looking for what could be causing a severe “yuck” response that she could be trying to escape, or a “yum” request unfulfilled. My parent brain is scanning: what’s the need? Tired? Diaper? Milk? Food? Attention? Proximity? Restricted or uncomfortable in clothing? Inaccessible toy? Wanting help, or to be held? When her desired direction isn’t clear to me, I have a harder time fulfilling her request—and I’m slower too, because I’m doing a lot of guessing.
That has me thinking: I’m not always clear with what I want either! For better or for worse, I am well-trained in passive-aggressiveness. How about you?
Tips for Refining your Intention
- Notice yearnings you give up on and aim to go a bit further toward fulfilling them.
Do you yearn to be heard but stop speaking when somene doesn’t seem to “get” you? Take more risks to keep expressing yourself. Whether you yearn to connect, belong, matter, make a difference…don’t give up. Keep going and try different approaches until you are fulfilled. - Notice reactivity and assertion in everyday moments of “yuck” and “yum.” Reactivity is when you moan, groan, feel sorry for yourself, complain, get angry, but don’t do what you need to do to change it. Assertion means that you actually change what is “yucky” or get away from it; and go for and get what is “yummy” to you. If you find yourself wanting to dial down something “yucky,” ask yourself how firm and clear your boundary is. When you find yourself hungry for something “yummy,” ask yourself what you’re willing to do or risk to get it. Then do it!
- Track back to things you wanted (or didn’t want!) in the past hour, or in the past day. How clearly did you communicate your desires to others, or take concerted action to achieve your desired outcome? Use the principle of intention to get more of what you want—and get satisfied!
Celebrate your successes in being intentional! Even the small steps you take with intention are important. With practice, you strengthen your ‘intention muscle’!
Share how it’s going and what you are achieving with your intention. We intend to hear from you and support you in fulfilling your yearnings! The first five people to report get free half-hour sessions with Bob or Judith.
LiveWright and Live Intentionally,
Dr. Bob & Dr. Judith
