Picture this: You’re at a holiday table, and a comment lands like a snowball in a snowstorm. Do you avoid the moment or lean into the magic of deeper connection?
Holidays bring us together—but togetherness doesn’t always mean harmony. Family gatherings can stir up tension, old patterns, and little things that drive us nuts. But here’s the twist: those very moments are opportunities for growth, connection, and deeper understanding.
Instead of avoiding conflict, what if we could embrace it in a healthy, meaningful way that acutally brings us closer? Bob and Judith’s Rules of Engagement from their award-winning book, The Heart of the Fight, invite us to engage fully—not to be “right,” but to uncover what really matters in ourselves and our relationships.
Three foundational Rules of Engagement for the holidays are:
Rule #1: Accentuate the Positive
No matter the situation, there’s always something to appreciate. Start by noticing what’s working in your relationships, even in moments of frustration. Remember that you care about this person, and they matter to you. When you approach someone with acknowledgment—like saying, “I really respect how much you care about this issue”—you create a bridge instead of a wall.
Rule #2: Minimize the Negative
Being honest doesn’t mean being harsh, abrasive, or name-calling. Instead of blaming, take responsibility for your reactions. If something bothers you, ask yourself: “What about this bothers me? What is triggering me? What is really underneath my upset?” From that place of self-awareness, you can speak more directly, clearly, and responsibly, creating space for true understanding.
Rule #3: Nobody Gets More Than 50% of the Blame
Knowing how to react in an uplifting way is so key. Take responsibility for your portion of any disagreement. We have a hand in any conflict that arises; accepting that can diffuse tense situations because we focus on how our own actions impact others.
Why Embracing Conflict Matters
The little things we argue about—who forgot to call, how the gifts were wrapped, who didn’t help with cleanup—are rarely the real issue. Beneath them lie deeper needs: a desire for appreciation, connection, or shared effort. When you address those deeper truths, conflict transforms into a chance to make your relationships stronger.
This holiday season, don’t aim for “perfect” or “peaceful.” Aim for real. When you show up authentically, take ownership of your feelings, and meet others with curiosity, you turn every interaction into an opportunity to grow—and to shine together.
Tips:
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Be Curious: Instead of jumping to conclusions, try saying, “I love your passion about this – tell me more about what makes this important to you.” And then really listen to their response
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Pause Before Reacting: When someone frustrates you, ask yourself, “What am I feeling? Am I angry, sad, afraid, or hurt? What am I really yearning for?” (chances are you might want to be ‘right,’ but you yearn to be seen, heard, understood, affirmed, respected, cared about, or know that you matter)
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Own Your Part: Share why it’s important to you as well. Take responsibility for your emotions and your reactions
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Share What You Both Yearn For: Rather than just trying to get someone to agree with you, change their opinion, or just be different, share what you yearn for and ask what they yearn for. Most of us can understand each other more deeply when we share what we yearn for.
LiveWright and Live Real,
Dr. Bob & Dr. Judith & the LiveWright Team