The Blame Game. We’ve all played it.
Something went wrong. Someone didn’t do what we wanted or expected. Someone did something–or didn’t do something–that hurt our feelings, upset us, enraged us, disappointed us. We were hurt, wronged, betrayed, deceived, angered, or frustrated. Or, we’re upset because something happened that we’re ashamed of, or we’re mad, scared, or hurt.
And what do we do?
We blame.
Yes, sometimes other people do things that are wrong, hurtful, that angers and upsets us. Sometimes it’s egregious, sometimes not. Sometimes it’s slight. Sometimes it’s a misunderstanding; sometimes it’s just our upset that we want to dump on someone else. At times we can’t tell what’s wrong, we just know how bad we feel.
We feel helpless, controlled, frustrated, angry.
And the feeling–and the situation–don’t go away.
And now we are in the dreaded Drama Triangle (Karpman, 1968), where we are the victim, at the effect of a persecutor, and wanting a rescuer. Or we’re the persecutor, blaming others for our upset and anger. Or we blame the persecutor and rush in to ‘save’ the victim and become a rescuer. And we are in drama. Never-ending drama. Never-ending upset. Never ending mess.
What to do?
This is where Rule of Engagement #3 from The Heart of the Fight comes into play:
No one gets more than 50% of the blame.
You can point out errors and behavior, but you don’t blame. You may even responsibly acknowledge your feelings, however, at most, you can attribute 50% of the responsibility to another.
So many things lead up to the situation and we all make so many choices up to and after these upsetting situations. How often do we blame the same people/things over and over without changing them? Who is creating that? How can we blame someone like they are 100% responsible for something when we have taken some part in it?
How do we get out of drama and out of
the Blame Game in our relationships?
Step 1: Step back and realize that you’re in the drama triangle.
You’re being a victim, and/or a persecutor, or rescuer and nothing will change if you are in the drama. You’ll get increasingly upset and nothing–NOTHING–will change if you are blaming and in the drama.
When we are being a victim, rescuer, or persecutor, we are blaming. We are not taking responsibility for our situation. Each position is irresponsible. We’re either absolving ourselves of responsibility (victim), putting all the responsibility on another (persecutor), and/or taking responsibility that isn’t ours (rescuer). We’re not looking at what we could do/have done to have a different outcome. We’re dumping it on someone else and we don’t have control over them or what they do.
It’s not always rational– I silently blamed Bob and felt like a victim this morning because he didn’t make the bed. But I was in bed sleeping when he left for work! And I still blamed him inside! Fortunately, when I caught myself in the drama triangle, I was able to laugh at myself and get out of the drama.
Can you relate?
We’re not alone in the blame game. I love this clip of Brené Brown admitting, “My name is Brené. I’m a blamer.”
No matter what the situation, there is something we can do about it. We could either have kept it from happening, reacted differently to it, mitigated the circumstances, taken more responsibility, and worked to change how we’d deal with it in the future.
This doesn’t mean that you deserve bad treatment, betrayal, or dishonesty. Egregious behavior on someone else’s’ part is not your fault. But still look to see what you could do differently – that while you may not have control over the circumstances, you have control over your reactions.
Step 2: Use your drama energy to plan how to get a different result in the future instead.
Look to see if you could have done something different to change the outcome. It could be to set better limits, not fan the flames of another’s fire, get out of the situation earlier, change the circumstances, and/or do things differently.
Remember, it takes two to tango.
What part of the dance is yours?
Bob’s story of catching himself, backtracking, and changing the result:
Just today, I paid a bill, but the bill was wrong, overcharging us. I never even looked at it. “How many times do I have to ask you to include me?!” would have been the blame if Judith had said that. But NOOOOOO. She said, “Please include me.” To which I self-righteously said, “Then you take over all the bill-paying!” I still acted like a victim and portrayed her as a victimizer even though she hadn’t done it. She was upset and had a right to be.
I was embarrassed I had made a mistake and I wanted to make her wrong and blame her.
I realized I was in the drama triangle.
There is, indeed, plenty of responsibility to go around, but all that was left to me was to apologize and say how vulnerable I felt to get myself out of the drama triangle into which Judith failed to step. No more drama, just truth, connection, and understanding–and a plan for how I’ll do this differently in the future.
This is the beginning of taking responsibility in your relationships and your life. This is getting out of the drama. This is what makes a significant difference in your life and with those you love.
This rule–and rule #4 that we will cover next week–have been a big part of the secret of the success of the couples we work with. When last measured, in our couples’ program, 4-9% of couples ended in divorce, compared to the over-50% divorce rate in the general population. More importantly, not only do their relationships last, but the quality of their relationships was also loving, intimate, and supportive.
Living this rule–No one gets more than 50% of the blame–interrupts fight patterns, helps solve longstanding problems, generates more goodwill and trust in the relationship–and leads to more love.
And this isn’t only for couples – this goes for work relationships, coworkers, clients, bosses, friends, and family.
Practice this week to temper your blame. Blame, but only 50%. Discover your part of the equation and cop to your responsibility–and discover the power of getting out of the blame game. As Marshall Thurber quotes W Edwards Deming, “Blame rarely changes the system.”
Share with us what you discover!
LiveWright and blame less.