Have you ever had this thought?

Or this one?

How about this?

It’s a trope because it’s relatable. You’re not alone! The courage of conviction is not a given.

It’s one thing to not know what you want at a restaurant. But what about when it’s the quality of your life that’s on the line? What choices are you really empowering?

One of scary ways to really commit to something is saying NO to the alternatives. We might think that by giving ourselves options, we’re more secure…but in fact, the opposite is true. By keeping our options open about what we might commit to, we’ve stripped ourselves of any true security. While we’re always scanning for the next best thing, life is happening NOW.

We just started studying the principle of commitment. Drs. Judith and Bob Wright wrote about Dedicating in their award-winning book, The Heart of the Fight: A Couple’s Guide to 15 Common Fights, What They Really Mean & How They Can Bring You Closer. Dedicating is a corollary for continually committing to what really matters. This excerpt has been edited for a broader audience.

Excerpt of the Dedicating chapter: Closing the Back Door

Dedicating means there’s no exit, no getting out, and no staying on the fence. Indulging vague wishes, fantasizing options, scanning for alternatives—rather than diving in where you are—is not dedicating. Dedicating means eschewing the what-ifs and focusing on reality.

People keep the back door open because they fear losing their freedom and options. The opposite is the case. Closing the back door focuses our fear and our yearning and generates an increased range of behaviors. It keeps us moving forward in our lives and not second-guessing ourselves. More than that, it requires that we face ourselves. When we look forward and focus on where we are going—rather than just dwelling on past hurts, limitations, or lacks—our energy can go toward greater accomplishments and deeper intimacy.

I (Elizabeth) had a big journey of closing back doors when it came to getting married. I was enjoying being single, so when I met Ryan, I immediately categorized him as a summer fling. But the more time we spent together, the more we found ourselves dreaming and visioning into our future lives—and we found more alignment than I had originally imagined. I intuited that we could each be a spark to help the other grow—that our lives could blossom even more fully if we decided to consciously partner together. It took significant soul-searching for both of us to fully empower our relationship into a long-term future. I’ve needed to face many challenges of communicating how to get my needs met and expecting my partner to hear me—and this has been the best, deepest partnership of my life.

I can’t visit any other universes to see how different choices might have played out in my journey, and I’m not saying that getting married is right for every couple. But I am more secure now with my husband after fighting for our couple, and I am glad to be fully committed to nurturing our partnership and our life together.

Ideas to Level-Up your Dedicating:

• Look at your relationship to optionality. Are you using options to try to stay footloose and fancy-free? What back doors do you still have open?
  
  
• Decide what’s worth committing to. A life aligned with your values and your yearnings will not lead you astray!

LiveWright and Live with Commitment,
Dr. Bob & Dr. Judith

P.S. Click here to schedule a 15-minute discovery call with Bob or Judith.